I’m going to give you a bit of a beginner's guide to start having tantric sex. What is tantric sex?
This is a word that people throw around a lot, but what does it actually mean? Tantra originally was an entire path. A yogic path. One of the translations of tantra is to weave together, so it's really a spiritual path of self-development, self-improvement, and awakening to higher consciousness... and sex is just one aspect of this path. So tantric sex is really about using sex as a method to connect. To connect with a partner as sort of a microcosm of universal connection and harmony. You can also use this to cultivate energy, to awaken higher consciousness, to activate the energy flow in your body in a harmonious way.
For a lot of people, sex is something that's very impulsive and unconscious. Most people's average sexual experience is very short-lived. It's very frantic, it's like ‘okay i don't have much time so i just want to thrust into my partner and bring myself this orgasm as quickly as possible’, and often, it's easy to get in a rut with that and you start to lose connection because it starts to become a routine. There's no greater connection involved. Often, it just becomes this routine and can actually deplete both partners over time as they engage in sexual activity. This is actually draining them because it's not done in a conscious way.
Tantric sex is all about intentionality. It's approaching sex with a deep respect and a sacredness right, a sacredness for your partner as well, really creating a space, a container for your sexual experience. The first step to tantric sex is to create a sacred space. Your bedroom, or wherever you're going to be making love, should be a temple space. Maybe you have some candles burning, you have some incense, make sure it's clean and tidy. Once you have the space ready, you want to prepare your body. Prepare your mind as well. Bring yourself into the moment. It's very common for people to bring stresses and concerns in their relationships into the bedroom, and this has a very negative impact on their relationship and their sexual connection. Doing some sort of practice to clear your mind, clear your body, and to connect with your partner in a harmonious way to prepare for tantric sex is very, very helpful for the process. This might be taking some deep breaths together, this might be doing a little meditation, a little yoga, giving each other a sensual massage. This can be a really, really great way to get into your body, relax, and connect with your partner.
I want to share two specific exercises for the initial connection that I find very powerful. The first one is eye gazing. You simply sit a few feet apart, you can be sitting cross-legged, you can sit in a chair, it doesn't matter, and you gaze into your partner's eyes. Traditionally, you look into your partner's left eye, and they look into your right eye, and you just gaze into their eyes. You're not trying to accomplish anything, you're not trying to make anything happen, you simply sit there and hold your presence as you look into their eyes. This starts to build this powerful resonance between you. You'll notice after a few minutes of this, you start to get into this altered state. You may see your partner's face start to shift and transform. This is a very powerful practice on its own.
The second exercise is to breathe together. You can sit cross-legged. Have your partner sit on top of you, (this is known as the Yabyum position) and place your head next to your partner's head. Now breathe in unison with each other. You take a deep breath into your belly, and your partner inhales at the same time. Then you exhale together, so you're listening to your partner's breath so you can follow it and you start to breathe together. This is another very, very powerful exercise that helps you to harmonize your energy, harmonize your mind, harmonize your soul with your partner’s.
Even just these two exercises alone can be powerful ways to connect with your partner, to harmonize your relationship, and to rebuild intimacy with them. Another good step is adding in a mutual massage. You'd spend time massaging each other's bodies, being very conscious, being very intentional, starting with their hands and their feet, and then working your way towards the genitals. You can both do that to each other, again that will just help you to really open up your bodies, relax, release any tension, and really be in a space of openness, and giving. and receptivity, which will really carry over into the direct sexual practice. Once you're ready to proceed into the love making, you want to take it very slowly. This is all about conscious connection, not trying to rush into anything. That's a bad habit. It's important to have no goals when you're having a tantric sex session. Not even the goal of having an orgasm. That should not be a focal point. Your goal should simply be to hold your presence and connect deeply with your partner. You can also see them as a sacred divine being. Traditionally, you would see the woman as the embodiment of Shakti, the divine feminine. The woman sees the man as the embodiment of Shiva, the divine masculine. You almost start to embody these deity archetypes, and if this sounds a little strange, you're really just seeing the divinity in each other.
When you're in a relationship with someone, sometimes we start to see people's flaws, we start to build certain resentments. When you come into the relationship from a clear slate, seeing them as this divine embodiment of pure feminine or pure masculine energy, then it really opens you up to a much deeper and powerful intimate connection and when you start making love, go very slowly in the beginning, focus on breathing deeply. You can even keep that slow rhythmic breathing together. In fact, once you've begun sexual penetration, you can actually just lay there and meditate together, looking into each other's eyes, breathing together, and just feeling this deep sense of gratitude for being in the presence of having the connection with your partner. You can proceed into more active lovemaking, but it's very important that you keep that meditative quality to the practice. It's not necessarily that you have to move extremely slow the whole time, but just having an intentionality, a deep movement, really feel your entire body. Feel how every breath expands and contracts, the tissues of your body, and also really feel into your partner's body. Can you feel the pleasure that they're feeling? Can you feel this circulation happening between you? As pleasure starts to build, if you feel yourself as a man getting close to an ejaculation, slow down, take some deep breaths and breathe that energy throughout your body. See if you can move that arousal to all areas of your body, see if you can move it into your partner through your hands, through your genitals directly. When you're ready to bring a session to a close, whether it's been 15 minutes or three hours, when you're ready to finish, it's important to mention that typically, tantra and sexual kung fu Taoist practices emphasize that the man does not ejaculate during sex, at least not every time. Occasionally is fine but you don't want to ejaculate every time, so see if you can learn to hold this sexual charge in your body and in your session without ejaculating, using the deep breathing can help you to circulate that energy throughout your body and to close you can simply, once again, go into stillness with your partner. You can stay physically connected, but just lay together, just meditate together. Breathing together, feel the energy circulating between you. You can guide it with your mind, you can keep gazing into your partner's eyes and staying in that meditative state for as long as you want. You really harvest that sexual energy that you generate and you exchange it with each other.