Conscious Masturbation | Mindful Male Tantric Self MassageJan 18, 2022
I’m going to talk about conscious masturbation and how you can use this as a tool in your life. We all love masturbation, statistically 90 of men continue masturbating even after they're married or in a sexual relationship? It’s clear that every man loves masturbating but sometimes this relationship becomes an unhealthy one. It all depends on the way that you engage in masturbation. For what purpose are you doing it, how are you approaching it? Is this an addictive impulsive outlet or is it something that’s actually bringing you energy, bringing you growth and pleasure in your life?
There often develops, in men in the semen retention no-fap community, a guilt and shame around self-exploration and self-pleasure, and of course, this is mostly arising from men who’ve been spending years masturbation to porn in a very unconscious way and they are depleting their life force by ejaculating frequently. This is a different context than using masturbation as a tool to deepen your understanding of how your sexual energy works in your body, how to control your arousal, and how to separate orgasm from ejaculation and release some of the tension patterns you have that are causing you to ejaculate quickly and releasing this impulsive drives around how you experience sex orgasm and masturbation.
Think about when you were first learning to experience sexual pleasure. It was probably more of an exploration experience. You were exploring something new, some part of your body that you’d never really experienced in this way before and it became profoundly pleasurable but I’m sure it’s different for everyone. Somewhere in time, masturbation for most men becomes a very compulsive, impulsive, addictive outlet. Something that they do to release frustration, to get a quick hit of some feel-good chemicals in their body while sitting stiffly on a chair watching porn. This becomes a daily routine for a lot of men and it actually has very negative implications for your mental health, physical health and emotional health, because excessive ejaculation and porn addiction causes many dysfunctions in the physical body, sexual dysfunctions, premature ejaculation, erectile dysfunction, dopamine imbalances and all kinds of other issues.
When masturbation becomes this unconscious pattern, something that you use to numb yourself, something you use to escape, or something that you’re doing in a very unconscious intense way in a very goal-oriented mindset, is when it becomes a problem and it limits your experience of sex and orgasm in the long run. You only learn to experience this very short-lived ejaculatory orgasm often rushing through all the pleasure that you have in order to arrive at that point which only lasts about five seconds. Upon realizing these things, a lot of men kind of throw the baby out with the bath water. They say “masturbation is causing me to experience all these negative things therefore is entirely a terrible thing to do and I should never touch my body again”. This becomes equally unhealthy because now you still have a very unconscious relationship to your sexuality. You haven’t actually healed or overcome anything. You've simply repressed your sexual experience by not engaging with it anymore and saying “well I’m just not going to touch this part of my body ever again”.
Using conscious masturbation becomes a tool for shadow work. Shadow work is making the unconscious conscious. You start to understand your sexual habits. Masturbation, if done consciously, can be a tool for tremendous expansion of the pleasure that you feel, a way to gain sexual control and therefore control ejaculation, learn to experience full body states of orgasms and have sex for hours without premature ejaculation.
Let’s get to how do you practically engage in conscious masturbation? I would say there are several things you need to become aware of. This is a process of observation; it’s a process of observing your reactivity, what’s happening in the moment. Reactivity, meaning for most men, they experience arousal and it’s very uncomfortable. It feels like you need to resolve this sexual desire you have immediately and you need to find an outlet for this and ejaculate. Be aware that when you’re training in this conscious masturbation, your old habits are going to kick in. You’re going to want to go over the edge and ejaculate. There’s a certain process that I recommend you follow to this successfully. That’s another reason why I highly recommend cross-training sexual practices with body-mind modalities such as Qigong breath work and meditation. There’s a reason I teach these things in great depth in my courses, it's because these tools meditation, qigong breath work help you really develop discipline and control of your mind and body, harmony of the mind and body so that you’re less likely to cave in and go back to old habits when you engage in sexual cultivation.
So basically what I recommend that you do is to have a session of conscious masturbation. Start with a relaxation practice. Lie on the ground and maybe play some ambient music, some meditative music and spend at least five minutes just breathing deeply into your belly. So place your hand on your belly and just do some deep slow abdominal breathing for five minutes. Focus on releasing all tension from your mind and your body. Just focus on relaxing. The biggest problem men have in regards sexual experience is tension. Too much tension in the mind, too much tension in the body, and this causes both the desire to ejaculate and the inability to control ejaculation. Ejaculation is basically attention response. So this is all about breaking your patterns and breaking your habits. If you engage in masturbation, the same position that you’re sitting in, the same room sitting from the computer like you always have. It’s not going to be breaking your habits.
What we’re doing is creating a completely different context for what masturbation looks like for you. So again, begin with five minutes of deep relaxed slow breathing. Completely relaxing your body and mind. Once you feel relaxed and it may take much longer than five minutes you may spend 20-30 minutes in this stage if you have time. But I recommend at least 5 minutes then start to touch your body, touch your entire body. This is another big problem men have, they go straight to penis stimulation, not caring about anything else. It keeps you locked in this region of your body and there’s no room for the sexual energy to flow anywhere else because you’re hyper focused on the genitals. So, first of all, just move your hand along your entire body, your abdomen, your thighs, your erogenous areas where you would want a lover to touch you. Touch yourself in that way. Start to get your full body in the state of arousal and avoid going straight for your genitals. I recommend spending another five minutes in this stage, and also it’s very important that throughout this, you maintain slow deep belly breathing and relaxation.
When you start to get tense in your mind and your body, you’ll notice mental tension as a sort of desire to escape from what’s happening in the moment. You start to become bored and you to think about other things. You start bring in sexual fantasies. Avoid these things and just stay completely present with your mind your body, what you’re feeling in the moment, staying relaxed. After this stage of stimulating your whole body, then you can begin genital stimulation. I recommend not just fist pumping as you always have. Make it more of a sexual massage. Just massaging you penis, your testicles, whatever you got, while breathing deeply and relaxing. Notice how you have the tendency to want to fist pump like you always did before. Avoid that tendency by keeping your mind, your body relaxed, keeping your breathing deep and slow. Also notice, as you start to stimulate yourself that there tends to be these patterns of tension in the body. You want to contract the pelvic floor, you’ll want to contract your legs, your belly in response to what you’re feeling. This is a tension response and you want to release it. So as you start to tense up, stop the stimulation, breathe deeply and just relax and then you can continue going.
The goal of this is not to ejaculate, it’s not even necessarily to orgasm. It’s to start exploring yourself, exploring what it feels like to stimulate yourself without the expectation of ejaculation, and at the end contain all of that arousal that you’ve generated through the practice. Just contain all that pleasure in your body by allowing it to store in your body rather than ejaculating it outward. This becomes a really life-changing dynamic to how you experience sex, how you experience pleasure. This is very good training for learning to last longer in bed and learning to experience full body states of orgasm. You have to be comfortable by just allowing yourself to be in the moment. No goal oriented mindset, not trying to rush into anything. Just relaxing, being very mindful and feeling what’s happening.
Another thing I recommend is to as you start to stimulate more and more, as your arousal starts to build just become very aware of what it feels like. Just noticing instead of thinking it could feel better or you want an orgasm instead become hyper focused on what you are feeling. Notice how good it feels and just feel an appreciation for that. Also, spread your awareness throughout your entire body and notice what happens in your chest as you feel this pleasure in your genitals. Can you move it there? You can start to make this a very whole body process being completely in the moment. Your mind is very present with what’s happening, you’re nowhere else but here in the present moment. It becomes very good training on a lot of levels.
To finish the session, it may be a new concept for a lot of men to finish a masturbation session without ejaculating, but again this is very good training. You don’t want to ejaculate every time you have sexual activity. It will deplete your energy if you ejaculate to frequently. What I recommend doing is going back to the first stage which is just relaxing deeply as you breathe into your belly, relaxing all tension on the exhale. Just do this until you no longer feel strong arousal. You distribute it throughout your body and that is a conscious masturbation practice. And so, again you’re retraining yourself to not be so goal oriented and impulsive during sexual activity and this will help you to learn to delay gratification and to expand pleasure. This will make you a better lover for yourself, a better lover of your own body, your own being. Being able to engage in self pleasure without guilt, but also without unhealthy habits, will make you a better lover as well. You’ll be less impulsive, you’ll be less likely to just go for your own ejaculation as soon as you get the opportunity at the expense of the long term potential pleasure that the session can bring when you delay that.
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