What to Focus on During Sex | Last Longer with More PleasureJan 26, 2022
A lot of men have been telling me they're starting to be able to control their ejaculation when their self stimulating but when they're having with their partner it’s much different story. You’ve still have troubles there.
I just want to share a bit of my own insights and things I think you’ll find helpful to integrate the Sexual Kung Fu practices into a relationship with a partner. Because in Sexual Kung Fu we have all these techniques, there are all these practices of foundational training because there’s a different stage of development to be able to handle a high charge of sexual energy without ejaculating as a man and to be able to do that comfortably over and over and over again. Ideally, you have a strong daily practice, whether that’s breathing exercises, you’re doing qigong, you’re working with the microcosmic orbit, you’re working with the testicle breathing practice to move the sexual energy through your body and working on keeping your pelvic floor relaxed.
These are important foundations. Without a daily practice outside of the bedroom you’re not going to be able to get to the highest levels of ability. I highly recommend that you are working on practicing by yourself, learning to stimulate yourself, and manage your own sexual energy because you’ll have a lot more skill with a partner once you get to know how your own energy works without all the extra stimulation that sex brings. I would say this blog is very much suitable for those of you who have some sort of experience with this and you have at least some sort of a practice in place and know how to integrate this into the bedroom. This is really some of the things I teach in depth on my 12 week course, Multi-Orgasmic Man, but I just want to give you a quick overview of some things.
So the number one important thing is relaxation in your mind and your body, and of course these two things are directly related. The biggest problem men have in the bedroom is that their mind starts to kick in, they get stuck up in their head, they start to become nervous, they start to have self-doubt. So when things are first getting steamy with your partner, you want to immediately have something to engage your mind within your body so you don’t get stuck in your head on thought loops. A very simple thing to do is breathing deep, belly breathing, deep slow breathing. Breathe into your sexual center. Feel like your breath is expanding down your belly and filling up your sexual center like a balloon contracting and expanding, not physically squeezing contracting, but just feeling this expansion as you breathe in that pelvic region. Focus your mind in that area and just allow everything to stay relaxed. As you begin penetrative sex, continue that relaxation and that breath.
Again, the biggest issue for guys is this contraction response in the pelvic floor which puts you in a fight or flight response. You ejaculate very quickly and it’s very difficult to control ejaculation when you’re constantly squeezing your pelvic floors. That’s another thing to work on. What this may look like is you’re inside your partner and instead of just thrusting away, you completely stop and just relax and breathe together saying “hey let’s take a few deep breaths together and just feel each other”. This will really help you kind of settle in, kind of tune into your partner because that’s a big part of this as well. If you and your partners are kind of out of sync, we could say then sometimes one person’s pulling more on the other person’s energy. This process of breathing together, which you can do in foreplay as well just taking a few deep breaths before you begin active movement can be very helpful for a lot of men to just relax and ground into the experience. And then I recommend, if quick ejaculation is an issue, to start moving very slowly from this point, start to move very very slowly. If you can last at least three to five minutes, then usually beyond that it’s pretty simple. It’s those first few minutes that tend to be the most difficult for men during sex. This is the most important, to keep your mind calm, keep your body calm and just allow yourself to slowly adjust to the experience.
It’s very important that you keep your mind within your body. Feeling everything that’s happening and not hyper focusing on your genitals but feeling what happens to your body and the breath is always a great kind of anchor point for your mind. Notice how does your belly, your chest, your diaphragm feel when you inhale and exhale. Just feel those sensations with a subtle awareness but also feel ask 'what do my legs feel like when I’m doing this'? For some men it helps to close the eyes and this can maybe be inappropriate depending on the relationship you have with your partner. If you’re face to face and you have your eyes closed the whole time then they may feel a bit disconnected. So, obviously this is something to perhaps only use strategically. Like if you really feel like you need to cool yourself down. Just close your eyes for a moment take a deep breath and relax and that can help you keep your composure.
Another very important thing is to allow yourself to make sound. A lot of men are silent during sex. They’re afraid to vocalize and express what they’re feeling. The thing with sex is that all this pressure is building and it needs to moved, it needs to be expressed. If you don’t move it upwards in the body it’s going to explode out of your penis, you will ejaculate. Using sound is a powerful way to vibrate the entire body and move sexual energy and it will often be highly arousing to your partner as well.
Something else that I like to do is feeling into my partner’s body. When you get really good at developing body awareness, really feeling what’s happening in your body, which takes some practice, you can extend that into feeling your partner’s body like trying to feel into what’s happening in your partner’s body. This can be a very interesting experience and also causes your sexual energy to circulate into your partner. That’s one of the biggest things during sex, allowing the energy to move within your body and notice as you’re having sex: Are you starting to tense up? Is your pelvic floor starting to tense up? Is your belly starting to tense up? For men, as our arousal increases, we tend to breathe shallow and tense up. So just notice when this is happening and release, let go, be like water. This may take some practice to do this in different sexual positions but it's something important to be aware of.
The one last thing I want to mention is moving the mind throughout the body which will guide the energy. An easy pathway to work with is the microcosmic orbit. Basically, during sex as you breathe deeply, sweep your mind in a wave from your genitals up the back of the body to the head and you can also continue back down the front of the body. Just sweeping this awareness will create this movement of the sexual energy in your body. That’s the biggest thing for men is to get this energy moving out of the genitals as it builds up or it will make you ejaculate. So by just sweeping the awareness through your body, there are a lot of other levels to this as well but that’s a really great place to start. It’s just moving your mind through your body as you’re having sex.
Last thing I want to share is just kind of going into a state of emptiness during sex. Now this may sound strange. It’s kind of hard to put into words but this is something that I’ve really worked with is that when I’m at a point of peak arousal or maybe when my partner’s going into orgasm and I’m trying not to get kind of pulled into that extreme excitement and ejaculate myself. What I will often do is what I can only explain is going into a state of emptiness. And it’s probably going to be easier for those of you who have a meditation practice. Basically for me it’s not so much withdrawing from what’s happening. Not like I’m trying to escape and go somewhere else, but it’s just completely bringing my awareness into the silent point within my body. Maybe within my partner’s body as well but basically forgetting about the senses, forgetting about what I’m seeing, hearing, feeling and just going within, almost going in to the silent state within myself. Play with that, see what it does for you. I think that’s plenty to work with. So if you really practice everything I’ve shared then you’re going to really deepen your experience of sex and learn to have much more pleasure and much higher states of sexual excitement without ejaculating.
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